This past weekend, I went out with groupings of good friends. We did the things normal 20 -somethings do: went dolled up, went drunk as inferno and partied the night away.
As I invent around in my kitten ends and flogged my “hairs-breadth” back and forth, I discovered something. My sidekicks werent all curse-spitting, vomiting, falling-over-themselves, ratchet messes. They were simply all enlarged versions of their sober selves.
We’re told there’s one kind of drunk: the graceless moron who won’t remember anything the following morning. That’s the stereotype, and that’s the kind of drunkard we spend one booze after another clambering toward.
But the belief is wrong. The concept is, I never recognise how many different kinds of drinks there were until I actually wrote out all of the possibilities.
1. The Physically Clumsy Drunk
Youre the drink depicted in every Tv reveal wed and by every resulting single lady in a nostalgic comedy. You get hammered, descent everywhere, sprain a wrist or two and then swear off boozing for the rest of eternity.
That is, until “youre starting” sucking the following weekend.
2. The Mentally Incoherent Drunk
You slur your words slower than your grandma can walk, but you still get an A for endeavor. Likewise, it’s enjoyable to chronicle expression observes of your dumb-as-f* ck rambles.
Its a chagrin you like to booze so much, though, because youre incidentally one of the most well-read people anyone has ever had the pleasure of knowing.
3. The Einstein Drunk
Youre not frequently the sharpest tool in the shed, but when youre drunk, youre be permitted to whip out “the worlds largest” obscure information: the width of the Taj Mahal, the dimensions of the King Tuts tomb, the distance from the sunbathe to Pluto( before it became a non-planet ).
Unfortunately for you, you dont know where to find an encyclopedia when youre sober.
4. The Assh* le Drunk
Woah, woah, woah. Where is all this coming from? You know I desire felines, and NOW youre going to tell me how much you detest them? I did NOT know how often of your periods you expend hushing your hatred for “cat-o-nine-tails”, and your enmity for my ardour of cats.
Youre ever entertaining, though. Keep it up.
5. The Play-It-Cool Drunk
I dont know how, and I dont know why, but youre the various kinds of drunkard who knows how to suppress every single carnal passion for that person youve desired since you knew what it “ve been meaning to” love.
Your efforts are abortive — yknow because hes got a girlfriend and all — but that aint no thang to you. Youd third-wheel the both of them just to smell him.
6. The Cookie Monster Drunk
For whatever reason, you dont go for drunkard pizza like the rest of your crew. You crave sweeteneds like chocolate is going out of mode, so you frequently end the darknes at the corner bakery by yourself, and then proceed to cry into a cookie cake in your bottom because you’re truly, genuinely, actually single.
F* ck , now I crave a cookie.
7. The Good Listener Drunk
Friends have always pegged you as a good listener( isnt that what makes a good friend a good friend in the first place ?), but you have no problem impeding your mouth shut and being the quiet one in a three-hour-long heart-to-heart.
Your drunk selflessness is underrated, for sure.
8. The Rockefeller Drunk
Usually, youre cheap as hell. But get some Jameson in you, and youre ready to buy the entire prohibit a round — er, build that two — of shots.
The drunker you get, the more youll make it rain with free alcohol.
9. The Shy-Guy-Turned-Artist Drunk
Sober you exclusively talks when youre talked to. But not only do you are the life of the party when wino, but you are best available vocalist, best available rapper or the best dancer on the dance flooring. Your inner Adele and/ or Kendrick Lamar comes out, and you blow everyone the f* ck away.
10. The Stone-Cold-Sober Drunk
Yo, I truly feel for you if this is the kind of drunk “you think youre”. No stuff how often you booze, you merely cannotgetdrunk. You take the Rockefeller Drunk on his offer for the fourteenth free fire because you illustration thats whatll lastly put you over the edge. But alas, it does not.
So you invest most of the night with your chin resting on your palm, wheeling your eyes at everyone else whos having a damn good time.
11. The I’m-Drinking-To-Text-My-Ex Day-Drunk
This one is specific to being day-drunk, because unlike night-drunk — which you usually get because youre looking to have a good time with your besties — you cant facilitate but use date drinking as a merely excuse to send that text to your ex that youve been wanting to send forever.
12. The I’m-Not-Leaving-Without-Getting-Into–ABarfight Drunk
Youre no jiu-jitsu lord, but you feel the need to heave punches at terminated innocents( no, but earnestly, that dude wasnt trying to embezzle your girlfriend ).
Anyway, you feel the need to prove a item. And yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. You GTL, and you just really need to ratify your worth by showing off your guns.
13. The Horny AF Drunk
Ok, so often, youre not an ubersexual being. I make, youre sexual, but not any more than your standard human being. But formerly the alcohol flows through your veins and builds its home there, you are able to make it your night’s mission to find a guy to go home with.
Ugly, red-hot, doesn’t topic. Anything with a penis will do.
14. The Wild Card Drunk
This one is dangerous because you never know what kind of being you’ll be transformed into formerly “youre starting” sucking. It could be one of the above, or it could be all of the above. I dont know which is worse, but neither of the options arestellar.
Still , no two nights are the same for you, so that’s ever nice.
15. The When Im Done, Im Done Drunk
You won’t attend the after party because you know your restraints so much better than the rest of us. Youll wake up the following morning feeling good enough to smacked the gym and jest at the rest of us hungover idiots.
Your go-to move is the classic Irish Exit, you sly, sly rascal. And for that, I tip-off my hat off to you.