At dinner, there used to be sorcerers cultivating the tables. Photograph: Graham Turner for the Guide for the Guardian
In 2010 I went to the wedding of my ex-husbands boss. The ritual has just taken place in a extremely fancy Footballers Wives-type hotel in Surrey. Wed booked an everyday area but the groom had paid for everyone to be upgraded to suites with their own garden. He too withdrew 10,000 in currency the previous day only to pay for all the various entertainers not including the cost of the hotel, food and glass of course.
We arrived to a string quadruplet, and the acrobats sounded shortly after that and did a number while we booze champagne before the meal.The starter was asparagus whore, and as there had been so much champagne before the dinner, there was a rush for the loo before the main course. The smell of asparagus wee when you opened the door to the dames was extraordinary.
We then went into dinner “where theres” magicians cultivating the tables. Just before pudding, the waiters burst into song they were good and it was actually quite funny. The whole happen was absolutely ridiculous and had nothing at all to do with two beings donating their love to one another. And by 4am the hotel had solely run out of champagne, apparently. Quite the most horrible and hitherto astounding wedding Ive ever been to.