Whichever TV character saw you “salute” in your abruptlies for the first time answers a lot about the kind of person “you think youre”. Kind of like a messed-up pre-pubescent astrology plot or a cartoon-sex Rorschach test.
Either way, Im about to explain your entire life to you.
If you grew up in the ’9 0s, you more than likely had your sex arouse after understanding some stunning caricature attribute or live-action Nick girl grace your after-school TV screen. These circumstances kind of precisely happen. Its how life operates, and you have zero verify over it. Nobody wakes up one morning and is like, TODAY, I GET A BONER! You get your first chubby based on what your organization requires, and that’s that.
So, it only manufactures sense the first Nickelodeon thing your “Real Monster” went“Aaahh !!! ” at enunciates a lot about the type of daughter youre into. Its the first time your person woke itself up, shook off all that copulation rot and figured out what got your engine going.
You maybe dated or hooked up with every archetype of party on countries around the world by now, but perhaps its hour for “youve got to” restricted the field down and start laser-targeting what your figure and brain want. This list should give you a pretty good idea of whom you’ll get married to — 100 percentage ensure , no questions asked. It’s the closest concept to science you’ll ever encounter.
Helga G. Pataki from “Hey Arnold! ”: The Aggressive Forbidden Fruit
Let me guess, you asked the same girl out about six days simply to always get accepted and maybe even reviled in the process? Do you think this daughter is secretly a sweetened, little goober, despite the fact she openly lampoons you in front of people and maybe even physically assaulted you at some level?
Yup, you are a classic Pataki-chaser. You want the girl who everyone says doesnt seem to want you at all, but you know everyone’s wrong. You know that 8-foot-deep psychological cement exterior she throws up around herself is brittle, and youre the one who’s gonna smash it.
Keep chasing that grey whale because your pate is a possibility round, but your middle is football-shaped.
Regina “Reggie” Rocket from “Rocket Power”: The Sporty Spice
Youre not looking for a girlfriend as much as youre looking for a marathon friend. Someone who you can go for a* shudders* morning run with before biking 10 miles to work. You do cool outdoorsy sh* t like rock climbing and Parkour, and you crave someone who can keep up.
Falling in love at a ZogSports game is your sentiment of a meet-cute, and eventually getting according Fitbits together is your hypothesi of living happily ever after. Not to mention youre maybe angling for someone to complement you physically. The kind of partner who acquires your best friend subconsciously conclude, Dang, I pot it seems FANTASTIC when they knock genitals, when youre in the area, and then, when you guys leave, they have that precise communication out loud with everyone else.
Enjoy your super-hot and super-healthy life together, you nuts. The residual of us will be over here not getting out of berthed before 1 pm on Saturdays.
Oblinafrom “Aaahh !!! Real Monsters”: TheAnastasia Steele
You freaky f* ck. You want to be series. You want to be slapped. You want to be tied down, and you want to be predominated, dont ya? Youre not into blonde-haired California girls or cute, whimsical brunettes.
You want a girl who’s dressed in leather and harbouring something that could cause you physical sting. Why play it safe when you can get some cool daughter with tattoos and dyed mane to ignite a candle on your chest while youre handcuffed to the bottom?
Fifty Shades of Grey isnt a movie to you; its a life choice.
Clarissa Darling from “Clarissa Clarifies It All”: The Space Cadet
Na na nana nanananana, all right, all right. SHE’S OVER THERE. PLAY IT COOL, DUDE! Just request her out. Only DO IT!
She’s a typical girlfriend, and you’re into that. You’re not looking for anyone special, just a hot, down-to-earth daughter with whom you can eat pizza and go to the movies. You also kinda like how she zones out mid-conversation and precisely gazes off into the interval, divulging a non-existent fourth wall while she monologues about her apprehensions during that given situation.
She’s a deeper girlfriend. She is always investigating life and trying to figure out the cosmic this issue of the universe. How do you know this? Partly from the look in her gaze, but too chiefly because she literally spent five minutes sitting across from you, recapping to an invisible audience all the things “re going through” her recollection on this date.
Judy Funnie from “Doug”: The Slam Poet
* Takes out bongo drums*
OK, cool cat/ I know what woman youre trying to get at. She isnt a carry/ a girl who probably operates an Etsy store. For ordinary people, talking to her can be a real big chore-a/ you are able to candidly is acknowledged that from her ostentatious fedora. Patchouli is the dominant smell in her kitchen/ shes immersed in debt from her art school tuition.
* Flute Solo*
A girl who’s passionate about cases like the Syrian refugees/ who once had like, OMG, the coolest most transcendent experience while a year abroad in Belize.
Her backpack is adorned with demonstrate buttons and stickers/ her profile picture has only one I Stand For Planned Parenthood filter. So plow ahead, you young someones, picking her up, and dont panic/ their own bodies is rockin and her lunch is organic.
Angelica Pickles from “Rugrats”: The Personification of Mother Issues
YOU. HAVE. MOTHER. ISSUES.
I dont know what hell pit of a residence you were raised in, but boy effing howdy, did it emotionally scar you for the rest of their own lives. You like corruption deep down and is intended to be stomped on more than you want to be loved. You know those dads at the barbecue whose attentions look like “peoples lives” was sucked out of them? Thats the kind of being you will become.
Long, emotionless looks set to the background music of some enraged madam screaming at you to take out the junk or maintain yourself at your work is your future, you spineless eggshell of a human.
Amanda Bynes from “The Amanda Show”: TheGleek
Ah, yes, the stage diva. The girlfriend who wants the spotlight on her at all times and will campaign anything that goes in her room. The one who’s been doing drama grades since she was a child and getting tap dancing education since before she could stroll. You assembled the theater district stage gang just so you could listen to her belt out Mr. Cellophane, sporadically stopping to yell at that happy, inauspicious being behind the piano,
YOU COULDNT PLAY A GODDAMN E-SHARP IF A MOBSTER BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE, HELD YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AT GUNPOINT AND TOLD YOU TO TRY NOT TO SOUND LIKE A SWAMP MONSTER BANGING SOME TIN CANS TOGETHER OR HE WOULD SCALP THEIR HEADS AND MAKE A DECORATIVE SET OF OTTOMAN COVERS OUT OF THEIR HAIR.
Oh, by the way, shes batsh* t seeds, in case you didnt get that, but you kinda like that about her. Shes unpredictable and passionate. Youll argue like cats and dogs in public one second and then hardcore get at at least second base the next.
Eliza Thornberry from “The Wild Thornberrys”: The Science Nerd
You want the hot, nerdy girlfriends. The ones with a popular Tumblr blogs and pictures of homemade “Harry Potter”-themed throw pillows adorning their Instagrams. Those cute bespectacled butterflies you sit near in science classifies who talk about how cool the universe is and cite Neil deGrasse Tyson as their personal hero.
Im talking your criterion Zooey Deschanels, your Mayim Bialiks, your Jeanettes( that effing HOT female chipmunk with the glasses from “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” DONT GIVE ME THAT LOOK ). Shes the opposite of everyone on Girls, and you couldnt be more smitten.
Heres the problem: Shes for sure going to go to University of California, Berkeley or MIT on some kind of scholarship at the end of the year, so you better pounce fastest and most lay those emotional seeds, Mr. State School.
Alex Mack from “The Secret World of Alex Mack”: The Puddle of Metal
You like sentient metallicpuddles who crawl around. I don’t know what your deal is, buster. Go shtup a tube of aluminum foil or something.
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