From the time Trump’s tweets disappeared to David Davis’s Brexit diary: satirists take on the news

Joe Lycett, Ayesha Hazarika, Grinne Maguire and Nish Kumar take a fresh look at the year as part of our slapstick special

What happened that time Trump vanished from Twitter? Simply Joe Lycett knows

On 3 November 2017, President Donald J Trump’s Twitter detail was taken down for 11 times. For those minutes, the world had no plan what he was thinking or suffer or watching on Fox.

Until now: a Russian hacker I formerly matched with on Bumble has acquired the president’s emails transport during that time. They are procreated, alone for the Guardian and in full, here.

From : POTUS

To: John F Kelly, White House chief of staff

Theme: DO I EXIST ??

What is it to subsist, John? Am I precisely the sum of my gumptions? Am I merely what people say I am? Or is there more to live than merely opening and time? Could it be that there is another magnitude? I am studying these questions, and I rely you have the answers.

President Donald J Trump

From : John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Topic: Re: DO I EXIST ??

Have you had your nap today Donald?

J

From : POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Topic: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

No I have not “ve had my” nap you SAD LITTLE MAN, and I will tell you for why. Because I am ABSOLUTELY LIVID !!!! 1 Why ???? Why don’t you pursuit my refer on Twitter you IDIOT DOG? Actually don’t bother. I’ll tell you what it says !! It says” Sorry, that page doesn’t exist !

I ask again John you WEIRDO: DO I EXIST ???

President Donald J Trump

From : John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Topic: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

OK give me a hour I’ll summon Twitter HQ.

J

From : POTUS

To: Christopher Wray, director of FBI

Theme: TWITTER !!!!!! 1

I know you’ve BLOCKED MY TWEETS !!!! 1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG Scheme A GREAT PLAN !!!!

President Donald J Trump

From : POTUS

To: Barack Obama

Topic: TWITTER !!!!!! 1

I know you’ve BLOCKED MY TWEETS !!!! 1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG Plan A GREAT PLAN !!!!

President Donald J Trump

From : POTUS

To: Kim Jong-un

Topic: TWITTER !!!!!! 1

I know you’ve BLOCKED MY TWEETS !!!! 1! You will not stop me I HAVE A BIG Schedule A GREAT PLAN !!!!

President Donald J Trump

From : Kim Jong-un

To: POTUS

Theme: Re: TWITTER !!!!!! 1

Yeh I did it and so what stupid fat male ???? Lol

From : POTUS

To: Kim Jong-un

Topic: Re: Re: TWITTER !!!!!! 1

DON’T CALL ME FAT !!!! 1111

From : FLOTUS

To: POTUS

Subject: Very feared

Donald I am very scared they are saying you do not subsist? Mxxx

From : POTUS

To: FLOTUS

Theme: Re: Exceedingly frightened

Melanie, I DO prevail! DO NOT FORGET ME !!! Kim Jong-un did it !!! I envisage the foremen at Twitter are sorting it. Nice guys! Can I use your account for a little bit ???

President Donald J Trump

From : FLOTUS

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Exceedingly startled

No Donald , not again I lost too many adherents last day. Why do you call me Melanie? Are you having an affair Donald? Mx

From : POTUS

To: FLOTUS

Topic: Re: Re: Re: Very frightened

AUTO CORRECT BABE !!! 1

President Donald J Trump

From : John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Theme: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

They’re on it. Apparently a prank by a rogue hire on their last day.

J

From : POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Theme: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

Yes yes how long John? How long can I live in this PATHETIC PIT OF BOREDOM? Melania is stunned and I have a Enormous tweet about Crooked Hillary. How can I be SILENCED and yet CNN still be allowed to SPOUT LIES ???

President Donald J Trump

From : John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Topic: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

Any minute now Mr President. What’s the tweet?

J

From : POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

Don’t you DARE tell me how to use terms John. I have THE BEST WORDS. NUCLEAR HORSESHOE !!! AMBIDEXTROUS BARNYARD !!!!!

The tweet is” Crooked Hillary must be brought to an end WHINING like a SAD GRASSHOPPER. We acquired !!!! Go and blubbering on Bill’s shoulder you HAIRY CANDLE !!!”

President Donald J Trump

From : John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

OK. Your Twitter is back online. Desire the hairy candle tweet but maybe save it for later and do the following statement about the charlatan hire?

J

From : POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Theme: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

It’s asking me to log in do you know what my pw is? Do the Russians know ??? ASK THE RUSSIANS JOHN !!!! 11

President Donald J Trump

From : John F Kelly

To: POTUS

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

Your login is @realdonaldtrump and your pass is thispasswordisthebestpassword1 23.

J

From : POTUS

To: John F Kelly

Topic: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DO I EXIST ??

Thank you John you are a good guy. I’ve always said that. I CALL THE SHOTS THOUGH !!! No calls for the next 30 hours I’m having my catnap. Nighty bless.

President Donald J Trump

***

Grainne Maguire gets a peek at deleted sections from Ivanka Trump’s manual for working women

Ivanka
Photographs: Reuters, Alamy, AP, PA
In May,
Ivanka Trump secreted a guid e for women in the workplace, Women Who Work. Finally, after massive public demand, Wikileaks has exhausted the chapters cut from the final copy .

1. Get your advertising

Say you’re a busy single mummy working in the area of McDonald’s and you don’t feel your abilities are being utilized. I hear you, sister! I’m just like you. Architect the very best life going forward. Get a mentor! Go for a coffee with Richard Branson, it doesn’t have to be as formal as a dinner; you’re both busy beings. If Richard is out of township, see if Anna Wintour is free for video games of tennis. Yes, she doesn’t work in your plain but perhaps she has the revelation that could quicken the next sentiment. Then order your had met with your boss and tell Mr McDonald’s why you deserve that raise. If he denies, simply smile and get your dad to burn him.

Inspo:” Design a life that honours you !” Queen Elizabeth The First

2. How to force program

A lot of people ponder making a put necessitates actually saying paroles out of your opening. Not so. Conclude like Taylor Swift, she’s a feminist but in a way that manages to reassure people who love women and people who dislike dames, extremely. That’s winning. Say your boss has decided women in your office shouldn’t be allowed health insurance, maternity spend or access to inside bathrooms. That’s an opportunity! Volunteer to talk to your boss, but precisely use the time to sort out who is going where for Christmas and titter about what a freaking mess your sister Tiffany is. Then leave and say your boss is certainly listening to women. You’re a woman and he listened to you. Just don’t let on about your secret private toilet because women are so horrible to the pretty girls, right? Nevertheless she persisted.

Inspo:” What is the blueprint to your happy programme going forward ?” Cleopatra

3. How to check if your
stepmother is a robot

Sometimes stepmoms can be hard to read: is she a momma, a sister or a cyborg programmed by the CIA because your real stepmom has scaled the gates again? The key is sudden raucous interferences, tickling behind her knee or unexpectedly screaming,” Dad isn’t gasping !” If “Mom” doesn’t greeting, let the very near special agent know it’s a “bot” daytime. If she starts shrieking with euphorium, then angrily affliction you in Slovenian, it’s just a regular stepmom time. Every epoch the status of women induces me.

Inspo:” If You Can’t Administer Me At My Best You Don’t Deserve Me At My Worst !” The Snow Queen

4. How to introduce the cool in complicit

Sometimes it’s hard to pick the right organization that says, sure, I’m exploiting the white blond conventional good looks society has civilized us to associate with moral virtue to normalize the hasten conflict, but how can I still have fun with it? It can be tricky. You want an kit that says by period,” I’m reassuring beings it’s OK to accuse Muslims for the banking crisis” but at night reads more,” I’m a boo at dinner defendants .” Luckily my style straddle bridges both sets of defies- they’re sex enough to guarantee a wolf-whistle from your daddy but they’ve been done in China, so there’s the reassurance that a immigrant has suffered obliging it. Listen to women.

Inspo:” Sometimes you were supposed to shed a tiara on and remind them who they are dealing with .” Margaret Thatcher

5. Emergency impeachment kit

We all fret we might have to flee at short notice, right? I prevent a handy Ivanka Trump Diplomatic Immunity Suitcase under my berth at all days. You’ll merely need your passport, a Russian phrasebook and cyanide capsules. Likewise, scented candles.

Inspo:” Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway !” Marie Antoinette

6. Self-care

As ladies we are always too hard-handed on ourselves. We all have bad minutes! You know when your girls can’t sleep, your husband’s night calls are preserving you awake and you can’t shake off that ambiguous sense of gnawing, deteriorating shame? You want to sleep but every time you close your eyes you see your younger self timing at you and shouting, “Shame!” and then everyone is pointing and wailing at you as you get bundled into a automobile by the FBI? I find crystals, lavender and listening to Disney carols on repeat at full volume helps, because it reminds you: you are a princess and everything is going to be just fine.

Inspo:” She speculated she could, so she did .” Joan of Arc

Grainne Maguire hosts a podcast, What Has The News Ever Done For Me ?, available now on iTunes

***

The diary of David Davis, aged 69 times and one week

David
Photographs: Rex/ Shutterstock, PA Images, LNP

What’s the Brexit secretary been up to? Nish Kumar has the scoop

The Guardian has obtained a transcript of what seems to be Brexit secretary David Davis ‘ s personal diary from 2017, found on a bench outside the Tunbridge Wells branch of SuperSquad Paintball .

1 January 2017
Happy New Year, DD.

Spent NYE with the guys from my Andy McNab book group. Went a pounding hangover. I feel like I’ve got a Boeing AH-6 4 Apache helicopter hovering inside my skull. In spite of that, truly looking forward to showing Brexit who’s boss( me ).

Yours drunkenly, DD

29 March
Morning, DD.

The PM prompted article 50 today, and there’s some chat in the power about how I should” invest more hour at work and less time on the climbing wall in my shed “. I tell them to pipe down, and that the clambering wall is where I do my best envisaging.( After all, that’s where I came up with the relevant recommendations of having T-shirts for girls to wear that say ” It’s DD for me” in all the regions of the tit .) So I think it’s pretty clear I’m not going to solve Brexit sat behind a desk. I’m going to solve it by getting my climb on.

Yours at altitude, DD

9 June
The morning after the election. Theresa’s had a shocker. Transporting her a pick-me-up present. A” Keep Calm and Carry On” jug and an” It’s DD for me” T-shirt should suffice.

25 June
What-ho, DD!

Just had to do an interview with the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation( lol ). They were questioning about our Brexit reports- I fobbed them off delicately.” We’ve got 50, virtually 60 sectoral dissections already done ,” I said.

Took the rest of the afternoon off to have a good age-old climb.

Yours muscularly, DD

17 July
Bonjour, DD( plainly this is ironic; we both know I don’t approve of French in any way, be it the language, the person or persons or the toast ).

Turned up at the EU for a conflab with the pencil pusher of Brussels. I walk into the area and grant it my classic greeting:” Achtung Eurowankers – it’s double DD .” True to form, the absolute squares had turned up with collections of notes. I had nothing, like a lore. Only twinkled the pearly-white white-hots for a speedy photo op that the working paper lapped up. I pretended to pay attention for a couple of hours and then left to subside a few strong Belgian lagers. When in Rome( Brussels) and all that.

Au revoir( see above ), DD

26 October
Hey, DD,

More questions about the impact reports. I brilliantly bought us more day by saying they had” excruciating item “. In actuality, I’ve just got a piece of paper that says “Brexit?” on it, and then some hypothesis for possible SAS codenames for yours truly. Current fave- the Silver Cobra.

Yours anonymously, the SC

6 December
Bad day. Had to fess up that we haven’t so much “done” the reports as we have” not started “. Policeman some serious flak in the press for it. Might have to start doing some design. Been walking around the power, quipping that,” I’ve worked so hard pretending to work that the real thing will be easy”, and everyone was adoring that mention, silently.

7 December
To be absolutely fair, the EU’s Wikipedia sheet is very informative.

11 December
Been riffing out some absolute gold in interviews in the last got a couple of days. My Territorial SAS training has really facilitated, specially the stuff about remaining composed under pressure and how to do up your hog-tie delicately. Have a question about a future commerce deal with the EU, and I’ve said we want” Canada plus plus plus “. This basically means it’ll are similar, but it’ll be drawn up in ALL CAPS and in a manner that is better font.

Then clarified the stuff about potential impacts reports by saying we don’t need them, and dropped this pearl:” When you know those acts, you know what you need to know .” I contemplate I’ve got my next T-shirt slogan. As long as I can work in something about tits.

12 December
Getting some blowback after saying the agreement was a “statement of intent” and not legally enforceable. Guy Verhofstadt has got his Euro-knickers in an almighty spin and is going harsh. Normally I would admire the no-nonsense vibe of a gentleman quite literally called ” Guy”, but this bloke is utterly doing my brain in.

14 December
One of the fellows from the McNab book group intimated an afternoon of paintballing. And I needed it, I’ve been working upwards of three hours per era and DD is DDrained. “Thats what” I need to clear my head. I’m going to be a more considered and detail-oriented DD. Nothing is going to flee my attention.

That is the final introduction. The diary was found among full printouts of the Wikipedia sheets for Brexit and essay 50, as well as a hand-drawn comic entitled The Silver Cobra . * Nish Kumar hosts The Mash Report, which is back on BBC2 on 18 January at 10 pm .

***

Amber Rudd’s election nighttime in 10 textbook letters

As revealed to Ayesha Hazarika

Amber
‘ C’mon Rudders … get a control … you’re better than good .’ Photograph: Kevin Coombs/ Reuters

00:21 to: Bestie

I cannot BELIEVE this. Two narrates ??? I’ve just done some horrible interrogation with the BBC where I look like I’m about to lose it. Is it all over Twitter? What was I thinking of with that stripy casing?

00:22 to: Bestie

How long before Quentin Letts calls me the illegitimate child of Tootsie and Bertie Bassett? Twat. D’you remember when he said I looked like Dustin Hoffman after the sodding election dialogue Theresa May pushed me to do?

00:23 to: Evil twins

Hi Nick and Fi. Please announce me. I haven’t heard a peep from Theresa or you guys? You did represent me do that debate recollect?

00:24 to: Evil twins

This is all your fault regardless. If you hadn’t introduced Theresa in a witness defence programme , nothing of this would have happened. Snap election. I know what I’d like to snap.

00:26 To: Lynton Crosby

Hey Lynton. Long meter , no pronounce. Left you a few words since we spoke about the leadership thought. We should hook up again. I’m free now. Just waiting for my narrate. I’m totally going to be OK.

00:27 to: Me

C’mon Rudders … get a traction … you’re better than this.

00:28 to: Bestie

Do you think I could go back into film? Remember Four Weddings? … I was so good at co-ordinating all the aristocrats. That’s why I’d be a shamazing Tory ruler. If simply Hugh Grant was PM !!

00:29 to: Constituency office

Why did I EVER want to represent this hellhole? I only went for Hastings because I wanted to be within two hours of London. What is” and Rye” regardless?

00:36 to: Bestie

Oh. My. God. 346 elections! That’s not a victory, that’s a prison term. How can I mount my leader entreat now? Bet Ruth D is cherishing this. She’ll be down here looking for a seat before you can say Barnett formula. I necessitate some of whatever Emily Thornberry’s on.

00:38 to: Constituency part

Ignore last word. I am of course delighted to continue to serve the fine people of Hastings and Rye?( pls check ), praise Theresa May and thank her for her solid and stable leadership. Issue that last bit to the press ASAP.

* Want to respond to this patch? To be considered for inclusion on Weekend magazine’s words page in book, delight email weekend @theguardian. com, including your name and address( not for booklet ).

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