Jambo! Welcome back to another season of this fresh stack of steaming bird-dog shit we announce? Hope you all have some alcohol available, because piou shit youre gonna need it. I had a bottle of ros on deck, because certainly, but likewise a handle of vodka shut, in case of emergency.
IT HAS BEGUN.
Oh yay, promos! Ah, they depict everyone playing like a psycho. This returns me so much exultation. This season they are in Maui, instead of Kona. Which is good because anyone who has ever been to Hawaii knows that Kona is where all the retired beings go to like swim with manatees and shit. AKA, its fucking wack.
Ryan Devlin, the emcee and quite logical person to ever mercy this demo, talks to the rivals and is like people must think youre so red-hot and you have no problem date. Laying it on a little thick-witted there, Ryan. All of these contenders are Utah 9s, which everyone know is a California 7. Lets not get carried away.
To start us off, I thought I would share some actual paraphrases from rivals. Tell these mentions act as a steer as you choose how much wine-coloured to pour in your glass.
What a bitch, amiright ??????!!!
Idk the rest of the quote my brain is exactly reproducing SHES A HOE, SHES A HOE, SHES A HOE as raucous as possible rn
Ryans all: do you believe in love at first sight? and then questions the contenders who they think is their accord is, within like seconds. Like piou shit Ryan, can I fucking live?
Three pairs pick one another at first sight and one of them will be the first to go to the true booth. This is like a poor followers.
If they get this first sight duet claim, which clearly they fucking wont because they dont know each other, the medal goes up by 250,000.
Ahhhhh, ye age-old world demo twist.
WE GOT DRUNK ON A REALITY SHOW, AND THATS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
We meet up with our castmates at their new plush manor and they all choose its time to turn the fucking around. Since there was much happening rn, heres my memoes on beings throughout this little shindig:
Prosper. Oh Prosper. First of all, who the fuck names your kid Prosper? Whats your sisters name? Persevere? Prosper is one of the men to be picked for the instant Truth Booth and I can say with 100% certainty that its not a match.
Hes mostly like I Enjoy ALL WOMEN. LOOK AT THAT CURLY HAIRED ONE. AND THE SPANISH ONE. AND THAT ONE, WITH THE EYES. These parties have refers, Prosper, and just because they arent as ridiculous as yours doesnt mean you cant learn them.
He literally tells his competition he liked that she was lily-white and blonde, which is like very weird to say to someone. He too sounds like everything my mothers would detest if I drew residence. Hi Mom, this is my boyfriend, Prosper. His idea of a kudo is I like the color of your surface and damn u hella fine doe. Surefire way to kiss my endowment goodbye.
Tori is Prospers match-up. Im really sweet and you can bring me home to your mummy, ” she says as she foments piece ping-pong and pounds shots. If your momma is a stripper or deaf/ mute/ daze, then yes, eggshell maybe be a affected at family functions.
Helllloooooooooo Stephen. Hes the hot tattooed guy, who is also on the instantaneous truth kiosk, and is likeIm going to meet EVERYONE except the girl Im going on a date with. Bold strategy Cotton, lets see how that works out for him.
He also says Im by far the smartest person here which is like saying yeah I have the biggest dick hereif you have to say it, its probably not true.
Asaf, the Israeli, is like my accent accompanies these components of whodunit! Am I a citizen? Am I on vacation? WHO KNOWS! The fucking bitch? Im not Scooby Doo, Im not trying to solve a goddam whodunit. Get over yourself. Hes trying to already kiss girls who are like and butchering platitude lines like I wear my nature on my sleeve.
Hes also wearing circular glass. Are you a girl at Coachella or John Lennon? No. Take those fucking glasses off your head. Oh no, hes feeding girls meat like an airplanetime to break out the vodka.
Girl with pestering spokesperson: Im initially from New Orleans
Guy in Old Navy cistern pinnacle : NO FUCKING WAY* has Tourrettes attack* IM FROM A TOWN IN LOUISIANA NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD FROMmMmMm !!!!!
These two have refers, Im sure, but I dont care enough to find out rn. They alliance over the Piggly-Wiggly and probs Donald Trump.
Camille, the obvious new HBIC, is like alright, time to run this house. Shes trying to get the couples with the truth booth to talk so she knows how figure out who to pick, because duh, shes trying to acquire some fucking money. Its been like two hours and shes telling these idiots what to doIm beginning to feel a strange kinship with Camille.
Juliawho I can now positively determine as the vexing tone girlis talking about how she def is not into Asaf, which is like, absolutely fair. Shes like if I have to get in the honeymoon suite with him, Im going to kill myself. Dramatic, but mmmk.
Asaf, who I repute strayed off the mount of and terminated up on this fucking display, says Shut up fatass! to Julia. Holy shit, whos the Piggly Wiggly now, bitch?
Julia is like and Asaf is like I want to be nice! I wear my nature on my sleeve !!!! Asaf then blames on it on its own language barrierLOLZZZZ. The girlfriends are like here in America we dont say that, which I feel like is going to be the fucking motto of this whole damn season.
Sam, the buster who looks like the woman of your daydreams, announces himself cheesy, but like romantic cheesy. So yes, they are including a lesbian buster on the demonstrate this season it seems. #LoveWins
Cam, the resident hick. Theres ever one. 10 dollars says that by occurrence 3 he gets uncomfortably racist.
Cameron, with the bad comb-over, has been chiselled on a got a couple of occasions and has a broken heart. Hes tall and vulnerablehes about to get so much pussy.
Morgan: the adrenaline junkie whose hardcore resume includes rock climbing.
Kaylen is the dominant girlfriend straight outta Comptonshes about to fuck shit up this season. I can tell.
Giovanni gives a spoken word lyric about being homeless and then brags about slamming daughters on the first date in his auto or shanty or whatever. God, this buster never slams the fuck up. He feels like hes fervor and then likens other humen to elementswhat is this,? Kaylen is like instant into him and they start talking a lot about how Gios a Scorpio. Look Gio, unless you and your bird-dog Bruiser are both Gemini vegetarians, I dont give a fuck.
Emma and John, the Louisiana boy( accompany Piggly Wiggly talk) who REALLLLLLY abhors being from Nebraska now, are drunkenly babbling about how they dont is intended to be bricks and cookies and other inanimate objects. Emma is so obviously precisely agreeing to everything John says its virtually comical.
John: I dont want kids or a spouse!
Emma: omg I wholly get it
John: I dont want any sort of stability ever!
Emma : omg I was just thinking that
Emmas as plain as a bagel whose whole mantra this season is John, if youre a bird, Im a chick. Johns like ugh Im between Emma and Julia and its like YOU JUST MET THEM BRO, GO BACK TO NEBRASKA.
Nicole is the random hippy on an MTV reality show. She seems neat. She likewise seems like someone I would never talk to ever in real life.
Shes talking to Tylerone of the other instantaneous truth booth peopleand they announce one another adorbs and start making out. Deem onto this while you can, Nicoleyou will inevitability fade into irrelevance.
John starts get redneck crazy and starts talking about how Julia likes to do bowls and shes wifey material.
This season should just be called Season 4: The Guys Wont Shut The Fucking around. I symbolize seriously, where did you find these busters? So far we have the hobo Scorpio, a buster reputation Prosper who likes white/ blonde girlfriends, and the President of the He-Man-Nebraska-Haters Club. This is worse than picking between Trump and Hillary.
The date is whale watching. Or as Asaf would say, Julia watching.
Stephen is trying to impress Kaylen and is like I can be a husband for you as he tries his hardest to row a craft with just her in it. This is some shit, and Kaylen is def the tiger.
People at the house are voting and are like Tori and Prosper are the same person! Well thats a bold announcement to stimulate considering YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE.
Holy shit Tyler and one of the irrelevant daughters are talking about horoscopes again. Maybe the reason no one wants to fucking date you guys is because you act like youre a goddam tarot reader or some shit. Dont blamed the fact that you all are fucking insane on has become a Virgo.
Prosper and Tori start singing together because apparently they are both musiciansahhhh, so the real ground youre on this reveal emerges.
Tyler, the buster with the nose hoop who hung out with Nicegirl Nicole( as “youre seeing”, the first episode is where the nicknames begin) is like yeah I truly vibed with Nicole to which another girlfriend( who looks like Ice Cubes daughter from) runs Actually? Because you asked me to go to the boom boom room last-place night. OH ITS LIT.
Channing Tatum: You tried to fuck the officers daughter! You tried to fuck the skippers daughter!
Tyler tries to talk his way out of itfirst accusing it on the booze then just saying that he just wanted to sleep. Well Tyler, you just made it on my shit list for the season. Commit Devin from Season 3 a see, he can talk you through it.
Asaf: ( actual repeat) Im living in a house full of snake containers. Ah yes, those conniving snake cisterns. Can never be trusted.
Who goes to the truth booth? Soon-to-be irrelevant YouTube singing duo Tori and Prosper.
You can tell that Prosper is privately hoping its no match, because then he can meet up with the Spanish girl, and the short girlfriend and the uh, other daughter whose reputation he cant remember.
And its NO MATCH. Because fucking duh.
WELL NOW THAT THATS OUT OF THE WAY
Bagel( Emma) is hanging all over John, who is sooooo fucking ruffling and Im already over him, and hes like uh Emma is okay, BUT JULIA IS SO HOT.
Emma : Im always the girl there is a requirement to, but never the girl they want.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Well, I require sea. But I miss wine-coloured. Guess which one I prefer? God damn, I feel like Im training 5th graders rn. Did the fucking suns align and make all of you fucking idiots?
John goes to Julia and is like search, were from a 150 mile radius of each other and youre red-hot. So were the perfect equal. Stop dicking around at the fucking Piggly Wiggly and go to school to take a logic class, dipshit. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU LIVE IN NEBRASKA NOW.
Julies like okay but do you merely like me because Im from New Orleans? and hes like Im following my soul.* I begin to booze straight-out from the bottle*
Bagel is talking to Prosper and overhears John talking about how much he adores Julia. Prosper, who I begin to like more as I continue to drink heavily, is like YO makes lead confront him. Fuck it, gives do it live.
John is trying to explain himself to Bagel and NO SHIT actually fucking calls her Julia. BRO, you had one responsibility. Bagels like youre fronting with Julia and its like oh Emma. Stupid, frizzy-haired, innocent little Emma. HE DOESNT LIKE YOU. I have Amazon Prime, Im shipping a replica of to you rn daughters, sit tight.
MATCH UP CEREMONY
The blackout rule still existsshout out to season 3. They know alllllllll about that regulate. But for those who dont: if they get no pairs, they lose $250,000 off their splendid prize.
Crazy motherfucker identified Kaylen( identify that sung or gtfo) picks Gio, the Scorpio whos too busy weighing the fucking whizs to get a goddam job.
Victoria, the girl with 20 -3 0 lovers, pickings Donald Trumps poster child, Cam.
Francesca( the Captains daughter) picks token sexually suggestive foreign bro, Asaf.
Ryans like how are you? and Asaf is like we dont have to explain with words. Yeah, satisfy dont call words Asaf. Please dear god.
Bagels up next. I hope she goes in on John. Hell hath no craze like a plain-looking girlfriend rebuffed. Too Johns hair is the fuglist circumstance I ever seen. So Nebraska of him.
Bagel has this internal debate about not wanting to look stupid by picking John, but then because MTV selects people whose IQs are the same as their fucking pant sizing, she picks John. And he is like I told you straight up I didnt want you, I miss Julia.
Everyone, including Julia is like, WTF WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM? And Bagel is like I feel in my nerve that hes my match. Ah, this is determining up to be another season full of stupid bitches.* swallows wine* excellent.
Congrats Bagel, you look stupid. Moving on.
Camille pickings Prosper. Could see that working, big-hearted fan.
Alyssa pickings Sam, the worlds manliest lesbian.
Mikala collects Cameron, the towering dude.
Julia collects Morgan, who clambers rocks. Morgan offers his coat to her because she gazes cold and Im like awwwwww. But then he says I necessity a girl who searches just as good as me on Instagram and Im like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand were back to being a douche. Oh, depart climb a fucking boulder Morgan.
Nicole goes up and carries guilt trips Tyler for being disreputable AF and selects red-hot tattooed guy, Stephen.
Tori and Tyler are left. Tyler goes to explain himself and literally says I didnt tell her ‘lets exit gorilla fuck in the ass in the thunder boom room.’ YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I could go a lifetime without listening that. Who are you, Tyler, and why are you literally every womans nightmare?
Nicole is like You cant sit with me, ever! and proceeds to give the biggest eyeroll in reality demonstrate history. Nicole, I might talk to you IRL. For like, a few minutes, where like , no one could see us conversing. #reptoprotect
Overall, they get 3 MATCHES. Which, okay, is like pretty good. I signify, whatever.
To conclude, this season looks like another doozyfull of horny stupid people that dont thoughts the facts of the case that they are probably not going to get hired anywhere after this. I mean gravely, Ive assured more intellect on
For those castmates reading, and John, who is most likely having someone else read this to him because statements with three syllables devastate him, welcome to your new inferno/ favorite thing about this evidence. Realise you next week, fuckers.
div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBody exhibition: none ;