7 Staples Of Your Childhood That We’re About To Ruin For You

We’re an internet generation. As long as there’s a enormous, nearly infinite system of information at our fingertips, we’re going to use it to dig up the upsetting secrets behind everything we know and ardour. Because that’s who we are, dammit. So, while we’re here, we might as well shatter what’s left of your childhood nostalgia by let me tell you something that …

# 7. The Author Of Goodnight Moon Died Horrifically, Left Her Money To A Jerk Kid

We all know Goodnight Moon , the paltry children’s book parents speak their kids with the hope that its repetitive blandness will hypnotize them into falling asleep. Goodnight Moon tells the story of an adorable bunny who for some maniac intellect thinks he needs to say goodnight to all the random nonsense in his room, such as a balloon, a touch, and a pair of mittens — but apparently not the goddamn tiger skin carpet he somehow owns.

The bunny’s classmate Tony was never seen again after a sleepover .

The Ghastly Backstory:

Like finding out that Dr. Seuss’ last words were, “I’m pretty sure it’s not loaded, ” it turns out the author of this bedtime classic, Margaret Wise Brown, succumbed both tragically and ridiculously. While recovering from an appendectomy in a French hospital, the 42 -year-old Brown was eager to show the nurses how well she was, and she did so in “the worlds largest” French route possible: by doing the can-can. The answer 😛 TAGEND Whoever wrote her epitaph apparently wasn’t extremely fond of her non-song output .

Yep, unfortunately, Brown’s demonstration triggered an embolism that immediately killed her. But await, there’s more to this story! Being the special kind of person she was, Brown left the rights to the book to a 9-year-old boy who lived in her vicinity. This would be a stroking plan construction … if that minor hadn’t grown up to squander most of the $ 5 million the book smoothed in over its first year, spending their own lives in and out of jail. By 2000, he had $21,000 to his name. In a Wall Street Journal article about him, he admitted to spending a lot of fund on robes, because he wears them only twice and throws them away when they “get all wrinkly and funky”( presumably, he spends nothing on deodorant ).

“All right, minors, it’s been a week. Facilitate me push this off the cliff. Goodnight, automobile! ”

# 6. ALF Descended The N-Bomb, Stimulated A Kid To Microwave A Cat

If you grew up in the ‘8 0s, there’s no chance you didn’t encounter ALF, the wisecracking immigrant who we later found out was just employing feeling to mask the fact that he was the lone survivor of a nuclear destruction. Even if you didn’t keep watching the reveal, you couldn’t swaying a half-eaten cat without touching some piece of shitty ALF merchandise, from board games, to trading posters, to fast food playthings that, in retrospect, were probably a smokescreen for some kind of rodent infestation.

“Take 1 per Whopper! P-Please! ”

The Shameful Backstory:

Well, for starters, remember ALF’s predilection for chewing “cat-o-nine-tails”? You may also has been noted that those parodies were less frequent as the establish went on. There’s a reason for that. Harmonizing to the musician behind ALF, Paul Fusco, the network “hated those jokes” — not because their sense of humour had advanced beyond dolls pretending to murder adorable animals but because in real life “some kid threw a “cat-o-nine-tail” in the microwave ’cause he discovered ALF cooked a cat.”

Oddly enough, a microwaved cat maybe examines a lot like ALF .

Of course, a TV substantiate can’t inevitably be held accountable for its audience’s wars, but fortunately for those of us who still crave our storage of ALF to be forever adulterated, this blooper reel leaked online. In it, ALF repeatedly shouts the N-word, which unless there was some kind of Melmacian error in translation, is a reasonably fucked-up thing to do. It is about to change that the Michael Richards-esque outburst was a reference to a scene from L.A. Law ; less defensible, however, is when ALF awkwardly smacks on the teenage daughter of the family by lying back on a bed and saying, “Straddle me” …

That lump down there isn’t his foot .

… which would be repulsive for a human to say, let alone a furry, fecal-like puppet to blurt out. So, mostly, what we’re tell me that i, is currently working on ALF was even worse than we imagined, and we already thought it was pretty fucked-up.

# 5. Legends Of The Hidden Temple Destroyed Kids’ Lives

Soon to be a scripted Tv movie for some unknown reason, Nickelodeon’s Legends Of The Hidden Temple was a children’s escapade game show in the vein of Indiana Jones , if Indiana Jones was about 200 percentage more Short Round screaming.

And 500 percentage more monstrous talking heads .

The best part of the establish was always the last round, the Temple Run, in which the triumphing crew had to madly steer an absurd succession of obstacle-filled rooms, clambering ladders, solving mystifies, ranging through hamster pedals — all while avoiding the Temple Guards, masked men who hopped out and fucking grabbed you . Say what you will about Alex Trebek, at least he never attempts to wrestle anyone away from the platform while they’re trying to answer a question.

Good act the mobile tournament adjustment removed this part, or our bathroom errands would be behavior more stressful .

But it was all in good enjoyable, right? The adults implied maybe knew what they were doing.

The Shameful Backstory:

Nope! If all this examines intense and frightening, that’s because it fucking was. One opponent burst into rips after echoed Temple Guard onrushes at the end of a 12 -hour shoot, and to this day is “deathly afraid of things popping out of wardrobes and doors.”

This wasn’t an isolated case, either. According to multitude Kirk Fogg, the evidence had to shut down “every once in a while” because of “kid meltdowns” — sometimes committing “hysterically exclaiming in the middle of the temple.” The worst incident came when one girl got particularly concerned she started crying, then puked in the Pit of Despair, which seems as appropriate a target as any.

“Kids! You can’t lose your shit here. This is the Pit of Hopelessnes! ”

The final round was so insanely hard, only 32 out of 120 squads won the magnificent loot. According to Fogg, this was because the display didn’t have the budget to award more than eight medals per season — so putting these boys through inferno was their direction of ensuring the depict came in under plan, apparently so Nickelodeon could make more money toward dousing random fames with putrid dark-green slime.

# 4. The Inventor Of Operation Never Saw Any Royalties, Couldn’t Afford A Real-Life Operation

Operation is the classic board game that educates you to have the steady hands of a surgeon while forgetting other abilities that are kinda important to the medical profession — such as dispensing anesthesia so the patient’s not watching the procedure with an expression of abject horror. Or, hell, maybe sparing them the indignity of being buck naked the whole occasion, for some reason.

Next meter, just wait out the mentality freeze .

The Cruel Backstory:

The game was invented back in the ‘6 0s by a university student referred John Spinello. Either because he wasn’t super business-savvy or precisely didn’t ponder the naked clown torturing tournament would be all that popular, Spinello sold the game to a toy house for a merely $500 and the promise of a errand. Not only did he not get the job, the deal too meant that Spinello wasn’t legally entitled to royalties to the wildly favourite recreation, which was sold to Milton Bradley and has since spawned movie tie-ins that are as lucrative as they are nonsensical 😛 TAGEND Although this would at least illustrate what happened to R2’s they are able to fly .

To make things worse, as if their own lives were being written by a high school inventive writing student, recently the developer of Operation actually needed an operation but unhappily couldn’t yield it. Searching to help compensate his medical proposals in the same channel Zach Braff stores his inane pride projections, Spinello’s friends crowdfunded the methods used, creating well over the $25,000 point. Even Hasbro( who owns Milton Bradley) helped out by letting Spinello to use personas of his own innovation during the campaign. For free! They also pointed up buying the game’s original paradigm for an undisclosed amount, though we’re gonna plow ahead and guess it was less than the $40 million Spinello’s idea has moved for other parties so far.

The Prototype. Initially, you were supposed to operate on the T-1 000.

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One Response to 7 Staples Of Your Childhood That We’re About To Ruin For You

  1. mellowmayo

    Thanks for the Author scoop. But please, tell me about those cute rainboots!

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