7 Corporate Mascots With Terrifying Implications

Like the sunbathe, some beautiful stuffs will hurt you if you stare at them for too long. Mascots, for example. They all have dark slopes, and they’re not even obscuring them; they are only hope we’re too busy to think about them for too long. But I’ve got all the time in the world, child, and you won’t believe what happens when you stare at a mascot for too long. You start to see circumstances. Dark things.


The Hamburglar Is Eating Children

This all started when I fell down an internet rabbit hole one night and believe for a bit too long about the Hamburglar, the thieving McDonald’s mascot. First off, a child who has to steal meat to survive is not a droll mascot. That’s someone in the deepest throes of anguish. Can anyone simply, like, given a nibble of their Part Pounder? But anticipate, that’s not the dark part.

After some more thought, you realize that the Hamburglar, a character whose sole essential characteristic is that he plagiarizes hamburgers, is now in the same universe as Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac, both of whom have burgers for thoughts. So now the issues to you have to ask yourself is this: “Is the Hamburglar stealing people’s psyches? Is he actually a Headburglar? “

Wait, if cheeseburgers and Big Macs are people, and the Hamburglar who’s devouring them is a murderer, does that mean we should stop devouring them more? If Mayor McCheese is a gargantuan hamburger, does that mean we’re dining the family of his species? Yes. YES IT DOES. We’re EATING THE KIDS.

See the truth that you can’t unsee. It’s canon in the McDonald’s universe that hamburgers are children. They are talking, reading, sentient children, who are being gradually picked off by an evil jester … “ve been waiting for”, this is starting to seem familiar. A township where children regularly vanish, while the mayor and law enforcement are no assistance. There’s a clown who’s taking the children away. IT and 1980 s McDonald’s commercial-grades have the same overarching plan. IT was written in 1986, right around the heyday of the McDonaldland commercials. So it’s bureaucrat: IT was inspired by McDonald’s commercials. There is nothing more sickening than those. Except …


Franken Berry Is The Result Of A Godless World

Obviously I’m not sugarcoating anything for you guys, so let me come right out and say that Franken Berry is a collection of stitched-together bodies that we use to sell cereal to children. We harness the powers of the dead to produce them one unhealthy breakfast after another.

But he’s not necessarily stitched-together bodies. He could be constructed from the bodies of some race of berry people. But we do appreciate him get been hit by lightning and be submitted to life in his very first commercial-grade image. So he was emphatically dead at one point, and now he’s clearly alive again, and his sole purpose seems to be to get you to eat this cereal. And that reverberates highly suspicious to me.

I’m not sure who imagined what was originally an parable for the horrific repercussions of husband playing God would make a great companionship spokescorpse, but I have to say, that person knew their shit. I seem morally obligated to eat Franken Berry now. For me, coming back from the dead would, I thoughts, spark topics like “Who am I? ” or “What is the purpose of life? ” or “Do I deserve to exist in this position? ” But I suspect “Hey kid, let these sharp-witted strawberry squares tear up your opening! ” is pretty important very. In it’s own way.


Snuggle Bear Is A Furry Pervert

When I was a kid, I was startled of Snuggle Bear. I refused to go near stacks of laundry for were afraid that he might be hiding in there. My mom tried to tell me he was a “good bear, ” so I shouldn’t be concerned about him, but I feel like you shouldn’t to continue efforts to guess a bear’s moral adjustment. That’s literally the first rule of camping.

There’s no such act as a good abide or a bad allow. There are just digests. They are animals, and you shouldn’t make them in your mansion, unless you’re also a carry. It is certainly poop in there, and possibly too try to eat you. However, it’s hard to avoid a bear when it can apparently teleport into laundry slews, so that’s bad. Stun! “There’s a produce in your laundry” is literally never a good surprise.

Then there’s the fact that he sneaks into people’s mansions while they’re gone to sniff their laundry. Soooo he’s at the least a little bit of a pervert, right? If anybody else does that, they are definitely a demoralize. Why is it OK for Snuggle? Is it because he’s a bear? I don’t watch a lot of sort documentaries, but is that something produces do in the wild? Do they too send you creepy DMs on Twitter and hand hugs that last too long? I’m just trying to find the line when it comes to bear perversion.

Or is the Snuggle commercial-grade drawing the notes that assumes are OK as long as they are perverts? They undoubtedly can’t harm us, because they need us to establish that yummy-smelling laundry they want to huff. So don’t forget, minors: If you identify a permit in the woods, make sure it’s a demoralize before you approach it.


Mrs. Butterworth Needs To Slam Up

Mrs. Butterworth is a pleasant-looking lady of syrup that might as well be your grandmother, if she was filled to the brain with syrup. And her ad blitz questions the question “What would you do if a minuscule dame depicted up in your kitchen and precisely entreat you, perfectly craved you, to booze her blood? ” What if she was all, “My blood is the tastiest blood in the world! Just try it! Try it once! Please, satisfy suck my blood.”

Pinnacle Foods

OK, Mrs. Butterworth Corporation, you want to prepare your bottle definitely sounds like a girl, and I get that. It’s kind of a cool-looking bottle. But I DO NOT want it to come alive and speak to me. Sometimes I like it when inanimate objectives be submitted to life. Toy Story is cute, but if Buzz is continuously requesting Andy to place him in his opening, it would be significantly less appealing.

If you go to YouTube and binge-watch Mrs. Butterworth commercials, which I did because again, so much better period on my hands, you’ll start to feel like Mrs. Butterworth is slightly full of herself. In her efforts to convince “youve got to” suck her blood, she simply will not shut the fuck up about how thick and rich she is. I’ve got news for you, Mrs. Butterworth: There is only one thick rich female whom literally everyone wants to see at breakfast and her name is Rihanna. So you can just chill.


Chuck E. Cheese Will Grant You All Diseases

Why would I want to eat at a eatery owned by a mouse? I don’t attend how many skateboards Chuck E. Cheese journeys; I’m not buying pizza from a rat , no matter how down with the rad kids he seems to be. I’ve worked in restaurants before. Every hour I sit down to eat somewhere other than my own home, I’m actively quelling an image of a kitchen full of Chuck E. Cheese’s bastard children Tony Hawking all over my food.

If snacking out is difficult, eating at Chuck E. Cheese’s is hopeless. I know 500 children have directly licked, snotted, or bled on every surface in that neighbourhood. I’ve satisfied children, and I know their modes . Then Chuck E. Cheese’s hangs a smiling mouse giving me a thumbs up over my table, as if to say, “I approve of how many of my little mouse newborns scurried all over you pizza! ” That’s how the Bubonic plague was started, I’m pretty sure.

CEC Entertainment, Inc

Couldn’t they have chosen any other animal that enjoys the X-Games to be their mascot? Isn’t there any enjoyable animal that doesn’t famously invade kitchens and give people leptospirosis? Here, Chuck E. Cheese’s, I’ll pick a new mascot for you. What’s the first play that pops into my subconsciou? Snowboarding! And the first swine? Squalor! Oh shit, this is actually harder than it sounds.


Charlie The StarKist Tuna Has Gave A Glorious Death

Writing this article has educated me that we as a culture apparently have an insane concealed push for our nutrient to sidestep us to eat it. Charlie the StarKist Tuna mascot is a suicidal tuna who begs for demise in every commercial-grade. All that he wants is to be eaten. He has no other objective or objective in life. He tries and tries to prove to StarKist that he is worthy of consumption, but they will not allow him the sweetened freeing of death.

With the heartless pragmatism merely a large firm could muster, StarKist denies him the extinction he so craves each time, and they do it with such pleasure. “Sorry Charlie, ” they say. “We don’t crave fish with good taste. We require fish who taste good.” HAHAHAHA, you bland asshole.

StarKist Tuna

How do they know what Charlie preferences like if they won’t give him the dignity of at the least slicing off part of his area, mingling it with some mayo and onion, and tasting it like a true-blue American? I don’t know about you, StarKist Tuna, but I believe in a country where everyone is given an equal opportunity to pursue their nightmares. If Charlie wants to die by being jostle into a can of your fine tuna, I think you should at least given a chance! Please meet my letter-writing expedition to StarKist Tuna, asking them to show person publicly killing and eating their mascot. It’s only the right thing to do.


The Pillsbury Doughboy Is A Valiant Anti-Hero

The Pillsbury Doughboy is made of lettuce, but he’s also a baker who tries to get you to eat situations made from dough. He’s the Hannibal Lecter of mascots. Well, we never look him eat the commodity he advertises himself. That would be strange, as again, he’s made of dough. He can’t has become a dough cannibal. So I guess he’s more like the Sweeney Todd of his cosmo. He exactly wants us to dine his beings. I say this because he has a minuscule chef hat and he’s rarely seen assisting in baking, but why?

First of all, you should know his real epithet is “Poppin’ Fresh, ” and he has a family. It’s a fairly large extended family which includes his wife Poppie, his granddad Granpopper, and a son reputation Popper. Did the Arrested Development topic simply start invited to participate in anyone else’s brain? That’s a lot of people depending on him. Parties he would have a strong urge to protect from, say, others who may want to exhaust their delectable dough people. Perhaps Poppin’ Fresh is just doing what needs to be done to keep his family running?

In a mascot macrocosm of child burglar buffoons, reanimated berry corpses, and pervert brings, Poppin’ Fresh is actually kind of a Walter-White-esque antihero. Sure, he’s joyously feeding the flesh of his manner to others, but he’s doing it for their own families, and you kind of have to cherish him for it. Likewise, sometimes his commercials say “wiener” a lot 😛 TAGEND

LOL, wiener

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