The Star Wars universe has been around for years, but you can still count the number of movies on two mitts( and the number of watchable movies on one ). As a cause, over the decades, a small army of novelists has been churning out the thousands of official( and less-than-offical) slope legends which have touched upon mostly upon every topic except Chewbacca’s annual colonoscopy.
So without further ado, here’s a very special group of Star Wars yarns which are so goddamn insane that they threaten to defile your glad remembers of the original films.
# 6. Everything About The Chinese Star Wars Comic is Batshit
This old bootleg comic book was one of the few ways most Chinese people were able to experience Star Wars pre-Internet, as the movies is no more than ever released in Hong Kong, and not mainland China. The only problem is that this is the type of comic George Lucas could have only approved with a artillery to his head.
Though “Xing Qiu Da Zhan” doesn’t is felt that out of place
in a macrocosm of Qui Gon Gin’s and Ki Adi Mundi’s .
This entire comic reads sort of like a misspelled Friday-night Facebook status for A New Hope . We can deduce such because the Rebels are aided by their extra-secret corporate ally, J& B whiskey, which we’re presupposing is abruptly for “Jedi Ben’s Magic Juice.”
“Many Bothans got drunk off this.”
You can also is acknowledged that the artists were only sporadically watching the videotape as it sat in the background at “states parties ” and attempted to draw it subsequentlies. For illustration, they went Darth Vader primarily correct 😛 TAGEND Notwithstanding the Disco Death Star by his head there . But “Chewbacca” apparently resounds too close to “chimpanzee, ” which leads us to this abomination 😛 TAGEND Instead of ripping limbs, they fling poo when they lose .
But the most insane part is how it seems that Vader’s master plan is to attack the Kennedy Space Center, because after governing the galaxy for a few years, he became cocky enough to think that he could take on Florida.
“What are they gonna do? Overcome me with meths and fanboats? ”
We do have to give ascribe where credit is due, however. They half-correctly prophesied arguably the lamest construction the prequels offered by decides how Boba Fett was of the same clone stock as the Stormtroopers.
“No road the real franchise would do something this dumb.”
And it’s hard to argue that the first cinema wouldn’t be improved by Chinese Darth Vader’s satanic triceratops steed …
This is even more badass than Indian Superman’s wild-eyed bloodlust .
… Princess Leia’s pornogram to Obi Wan Kenobi …
Threepio leaves the area, leaving Artoo to helplessly watch Luke masturbating to a hologram of his sister .
… Obi Wan Kenobi’s missile-launching warcycle …
Okay, so the artists had two TVs, and the other one was playing Knightriders .
… or the fact that the Death Star exploding looks like Darth Vader’s acid flashback to Woodstock.
“Joe Cocker ?!? What are YOU doing here? ”
# 5. The Star Wars Novelization Is Natural Born Killers In Space
For teenagers in the 1970 s who wanted to relive the supernatural of Star Wars , but without the action, special effects, alluring performers, or literally anything of importance, there was a volume based on the movies, subtitled “From The Adventures Of Luke Skywalker.”
Spoiler alert: It didn’t have much to do with Luke Skywalker .
Early on in the movie, Luke and old-fashioned Ben Kenobi head to Mos Eisley, the intergalactic bastard child of Albuquerque and Detroit. Luke is hassled by a guy with an ass for a face, which was rather telling about how millions of young people would come to define their adolescence.
Maybe saying he doesn’t like you is his channel of weeping for help .
As a fight is about to break out, Ben-Who-is-Now-Obi-Wan slices off the alien’s forearm with a lightsaber, but makes him live. In the book, the same background appears, but the final result is a little bit different.
“The Old Man viewed out the severed arm, and threw the man off with his own middle finger.”
And by “a little bit different, ” we intend a lot more violent. Instead of stopping at slicing the guy’s forearm off, like a normal and rational Jedi Knight, Obi Wan goes off his rocker and slices two other people in half 😛 TAGEND So Jabba’s blue elephant gets five sheets of backstory,
but the best George could come up with for this was “rodent-thing” ?
This is the kind of shit we’ve come to expect from George R. R. Martin , not George Lucas. The stage ends with the bartender dragging the “unsightly corpses” out of the bar — which, to be fair, probably wasn’t too different from most darkness around shutting time.
Assistant Corpse Mover narrowly periphery Rancor Cage Cleaner for the worst Tatooine part-time job ever .
But back to that claim. Contemplate about this from Luke’s perspective for a minute. He’s hanging out on a different planet with a strange old boy who lives in a cave and established up out of nowhere. This person claims it’s all good because he used to be friends with your dad — a line rarely expended outside of an idling van with tinted windows situated by of a secondary school gym. The old boy then takes him to a dive barroom and instantly goes on a assassination spree.
# 4. The Ewoks Live Nothing Like You’d Expect
As they’re the most violent teddy allows to come into existence since the one Theodore Roosevelt learnt tied to a tree in the 1910 s, it was only a matter of season before a children’s notebook about Ewoks came out. The Adventures Of Teebo: A Tale Of Magic And Suspense gave us penetration into the lives of the Ewoks outside of the cinemas. And boy, could we have done without that.
“Hey, kids! You know how you loved supposing yourself living on a teddy bear planet? Fuck you! ”
We’ll made you with it up front: There were parties expelled to Siberia in the days of Stalin who had it better than the Ewoks. Even the cros of the book boasts a good little guy loping for his life, apparently on the verge of tears. For starters, Endor is full of pitchfork-wielding shadow beings journeying monstrous spiders.
This is “A Tale Of Magic And Suspense”? What’s “Terror And Distress” ?
Boy, it’s a good happen that Princess Leia crashed her speeder near the Ewok Village and not Evil Spider World. Otherwise, Return Of The Jedi would have turned into a Lovecraft story faster than you can say “I am your father.”
Here’s the thing: The evil spiders aren’t even the actual bad guys . That designation belongs to the Duloks. If the Ewoks are like Mogwai, then the Duloks are like the Gremlins. They’re working on a plan to captivate all of the Ewok newborns to skin and eat, like the kind of blight that even God was afraid to affected Pharaoh with in the Old Testament.
“Did you say rare or medium? ”
This isn’t a bedtime storey for the Star Wars generation; it’s a thinly-veiled menace German parents would issue to children in the 1500 s. The Ewoks must be constantly fighting for “peoples lives”. The Empire would have been an absolute cakewalk compared to this shit.
The Ewoks aren’t stupid, either. In another volume, Wicket, one of the commanders of the Ewoks, even devotes a waken pre-battle lecture, which we are genuinely hope worked.
Did C-3PO make a dick joke at the end ?
Unfortunately, this impassioned speech against abuse probably resounded like cute gibberish to any possible allies. It ain’t easy-going being an Ewok.
# 3. The Star Wars Radio Show Grew Artoo Into A Murderer
In the early ‘8 0s, NPR created an epic radio dramatization of Star Wars. To pad out the running occasion, this form heaped a lot of extra , non-visual incidents onto the tale. We get a lot of the “Luke farting around with his friends” scenes cut from the movies, but they likewise include a disturbing detailed descriptions of a key scene.
“Then, abide sung for the Emperor’s gratuities on ripening that organic garden.”
As Luke and Uncle Owen are buying embezzled droids off the Jawas, selecting C-3PO then R5-D4, they leave R2-D2 behind. R5 then explodes accidentally, which should have been a more common response to being sold into slavery.
“Master Luke? I think–“
“Don’t turn around. It’s fine.”
In the movie it seems like happenstance, like R5 was the Ford Pinto of droids or something. The radio picture, on the other mitt, includes a brief scene in which R2, despite Threepio telling him not to, sabotages R5-D4. Congratulations, NPR. You built “the worlds largest” likable persona in the entire franchise a goddamned murderer. This creepy backstory even saw its space into some kind of Star Wars Encyclopedia, so this shit’s official.
# 2. Luke Fought the Empire by Hustling Casinos
Comic airstrips in the 1980 s corresponded mainly of Charlie Brown spiraling into sadnes, Calvin and Hobbes, and little else that could delivering anyone to care about the jokes. Fortunately, a Star Wars airstrip came along to save the working day, featuring Boba Fett and Luke Skywalker developing snowboarding.
Boba figured he could open Luke one last-place sick shred before he transformed him in to the Emperor .
The cinemas demonstrate a fair amount of Luke’s lures toward the Dark Side, but altogether neglected to mention that his issues with gambling craving were a part of that. In the airstrip, Luke weaves into a series of poorly-named situations. On the planet Gambler’s World( we assert ), he leader into Casino Royale( we pinky swear ). The operation is to get some casino triumphs out of the hands of the Emperor, which has got to be a front for something .
Darth Trump! No !
Luke encounters a luck-based game called “Cosmic Chance, ” which concerns a giant dance filled with pagan symbols that may or may not brainwash Luke into speaking like a Gungan.
“Did … did you only destroy Alderaan? ”
Astonishingly, Luke seems to have a knack for the game.
Wow, he got six … somethings .
It’s almost as if Luke has some kind of telekinetic abili– shit.
“It’s like he thrust the rays in his advantage, utilizing a strong fo– oh, I get it.”
Luke is perfectly over the moon( s of Endor) from his winnings, but we all know what’s happening. He’s use the Force to triumph the Star Wars equivalent of a slot machine. Luke may have been able to dodge a back-planet ass-beating, but this is a unnerving concept to have to witness. It’s a good stuff Obi-Wan didn’t see this, because he wouldn’t be mad; he’d be disappointed.
# 1. The First Sequel Had More Incest On A Smaller Budget
Nobody knew Star Wars would be the affect it was. Even George Lucas had a contingency sequel in case the movie flopped. It would have been able to continue the narrative, but on a more meagre price tag. Lucas hired Alan Dean Foster, ghostwriter for the original novelization, to whip up a sequel novel that could subsequently be was transformed into a movie.
So far, “its about” a thousand times better than Episode 1.
You are likely expect by now that Star Wars novelizations are significantly more panicking than the films, so let’s dive in.
George Lucas adjusted a couple of ground rules for the sequel. Firstly , no Han Solo, because Harrison Ford hadn’t officially signed up for more movies. So like a fruitcake that somehow get eaten at a Christmas party, Solo disappeared with no questions asked. Secondly , good-for-nothing expensive could happen, so the whole story takes place on one crappy planet.
The pretext for Luke and Leia being stranded on this planet was originally about to become a royal crash-landing by way of a cavity engagement, but Lucas nixed anything as pricey and enjoyable as lasers. Instead, Leia’s ship simply craps out on her, and happens to region by a base where Darth Vader is incubating a secret evil plan.
Weirdest of all, since the majority of members of the following mythology hadn’t been mapped out hitherto and there was no Han Solo in the picture, the Skywalker twins get all hot and bothered. At one point, Leia’s “body heat was near palpable to Luke.”
The very first Fifty Shades/ Star Wars mashup, before the Internet ruined everything .
If you were hoping for wholly pointless some visualization of this, then don’t fret. A ‘9 0s-era comic book modification “ve managed” do exactly that.
” … with my dick. I represent with my dick.”
The author still sees the storey could work in between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back … if you’re able to “allow for the existence of certain awkward instants .” Another awkward moment: Luke slaps Leia. Gravely. The aim is to moron an Imperial man into believing Leia is his slave, but earnestly, what the fuck? So much for preventing her from harm.
The best part is that Disney owns that illustration now .
This scene is followed by Luke and Leia flirtatiously playfighting in a mud puddle, which is weird because they’re brother and sister, but okay by George Lucas because mud’s completely free!