The famous ninjas of ancient Japan. They were mysterious. They were deadly. They were also mammals.
Back in 2002, a husband made an internet site dedicated to these rulers of stealth and claimed it was The Official Ninja Webpage. The locate was RealUltimatePower.net, and boy did it piss a lot of parties off.
The site’s developer remains anonymous to this day, but he claimed to be a 13 -year-old boy appointed Robert Hamburger( not to be confused with equally hilarious and sarcastic humorist Neil Hamburger) who was obsessed with ninjas. He was also woefully uninformed.
Heres two examples from the home page:
Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off pate ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These people are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude sagged a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My pal Mark said that he saw a ninja entirely uppercut some kid merely because the boy opened a window.
And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The site too had educational portraits of Ninja Weapons and gear
And even a helpful slouse about how to commit Seppuku( ritual japanese suicide) with a frisbee.
Although it seems blatantly satirical now, many people belief Real Ultimate Power to be serious, and it received quite a bit of hate mail, which Hamburger joyfully published for all to read:
You must be the stupidest piece of shit on this damn planet. You make a place about ‘REAL NINJA’S because they are ‘TOTALLY SWEET’ when in fact you dont know bullshit about them, you make this shit up off of the top of your deformed top, and you even tell ppl damn screwed up lies. “youre calling” this shit circumstantial? damnit you probably had not yet been fuckin thought what a shuriken is. ninjas don’t flip out. they dont play guitars. they dont use poop like lasers. you have no thought what a plagiarist is. proceed search it up in a fuckin notebook, i represent a REAL work. how the inferno can you publish this sort of shit? ninjas CANT FLY. they CANT USE MAGIC. they dont kill whoever they want. they are really boors trained to use stealth and to kill, utilizing REAL artilleries, such as shurikens, projectiles, etc. their targets were NOT plagiarists, they were usually important political or military figures, often they killed high-pitched higher-ranking samurai and the like. disappear learn something REAL about REAL NINJAS, then you can publish that.
I lately saw your locate by collision. Formerly I was there i realized that this was perhaps the worst place ive ever been to in my whole human existance. I dont know if you just forgot to take your riddelin or somthing, but removing you from the net would be a service to humanity and all of posterity from here to the end of “time and space.” I sugest that you go to feeling managment years. I likewise suggest that you stop talking about knocking dogs in the pellets and “porking” hot newborns( that is if being out of pubescence is “braggable” ). Next year when you change 9 you are able to ask mommy and daddy if you can get a life for your birthday.
Hamburger later acknowledged he constituted some of these letters himself, but he claimed others were realand never said which were which. He also made a imitation bulletin place and managed to convince people that he was being sued by a woman called Margerie Evans. That site is sadly going now, but the facts are still available in many places around the web.
Margerie Evans, a single father of three, registered indicts on Monday against Robert Hamburger, a 10 -year-old Los Angelean, for his portrayal of ninjas in a popular website. “This young man is inspiring the youth to physically act out brutality. Doesn’t recollect Columbine? Where was he on September 11 th? ” said Ms. Evans in a statement to Reuters. In a preliminary visitation, Ms. Evans went on to state that because of realultimatepower.net, her children have been clambering on the furniture, trouncing on felines, and “spitting up all over the damn place.” The website Ms. Evans is talking about is www.realultiamtepower.net, a enthusiastic, but slanted, exposon the ways of the ninja. In it, Robert Hamburger detailsvarious facts about ninjas such as: 1. Ninjas are mammals. 2. Ninjas flip out all the time. 3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. and the like. Ms. Evans reports that it is Robert’s definitive ambiance that stimulates the site so convincing to children.
“Ms. Evans is a hard working Christian mom who is just trying parent her girls right. How can she do that when you’ve went demented little boys filling the internet with murderous lies? People accept anything if it’s presented on the internet. It’s a dangerous medium that must be carefully restrained ” said Ms. Evans’ attorney on Monday. When asked about the lawsuit, Robert Hamburger replied “Ms. Evans is a frigg’n jackas. She needs to slammed her lip right now or I’m going to take a skinny dump on her scalp.” Despite the lawsuit, Robert says he will continue to tell people how sugared ninjas are “no matter what” and pork as numerous hot newborns as it takes .
Real Ultimate Power became so favourite that it inspired its own lampoons. More than a hundredhave surfaced since The Official Ninja Website made its debut in 2002. Including 😛 TAGEND
Hamburger was actually the first one to parody his own page. Clicking on a hyperlink labeled Alternate Ending took “youve got to” The Official Hippo Webpage, which is still around, albeit with missing images.
Looking back fourteen years, its hard to believe that anyone took Real Ultimate Power seriously, but this was a occasion before sarcasm grew the official language of the Internet, before fake report websites were banal, and before we all suspected everyone of trying to trick us each time we logged on. In short, much more parties were transporting fund to Nigerian lords back then.
We perhaps have Robert Hamburger, at the least in part, to thank( or accuse) for much of the Web satire that came later, and even our online skepticism. Was it Hamburger’s site and forgery suit that obligated us all wonder the legitimacy of things like the Zola story? When we talk about the Internet, and the lessons weve learned from it , no one generator is going to be definitive, but the popularity of Real Ultimate Power cant be denied, and the girls it invigorated are the ones causing content on pulpits like Twitter and YouTube now. Perhaps most importantly, it knocked off thePirates vs. Ninjasdebate that storms to this day.
Hamburger went on to write a few volumes, including Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book and Ghost/ Aliens , presumably written by Roberts cousin Trey. He also aimed and starred in a number of YouTube videos, so we actually know what he looks like, even if his real reputation remains a closely guarded secret.
But the last video was produced over a year ago, so what Hamburger’s doing nowand who he really isremains as strange at the badass ninjas he desired so well.